It's certainly another day. I am sitting here once again at my desk staring at my monitor trying to bring myself to get some work done. But I am feeling too much or maybe too little. I wish I could stop myself from feeling like this. So lost and purposeless. I thought working out would help it. I thought being strong would help it. I thought taking my vitamins every day would help it. I thought being in a loving, caring relationship would help it. I feel so strongly for him and still I feel as though I am completely alone in the universe. I wake up and I eat, I try to figure out music, I try to make things from leather. Still, I feel so empty. I'm not sure what to do anymore about it. I still refuse to take medication. I'm not sure why. I think I just want less things tethering me to others. I want less things that force me to rely on others. It's sad. Why am I like this? I just want to exist. I've been trying to stay in shape. I've been eating better. I haven't gone to restaurants consistently in months. I have been eating better ingredients (better pizziola, poppa janos). I am happy though in many ways. Idk. I think it's time for me to move on from this place where I live. They are going to raise my rent by nearly 50% if I stay month to month and I don't know if I want to stay here for yet another year. I have grown too accustomed to this place. I am losing my memories because I don't have defined periods of time based on living situation in my mind (I believe this to be the case). Or maybe I am just too fried.
Music has ceased in my life. The band I've been playing with has all but broken up. We haven't practiced in weeks and one of the members had covid and simply cannot fathom having to inspire us anymore. Makes me feel sad. We're still friends but he hates his life and is too miserable to do anything but play video games and smoke weed. Understandable I suppose. Maybe it's time to give up on my dream of making music. Maybe I'll just resign myself to making shitty leather goods for myself and my friends and live out the remainder of my days with my mind shut off.
Dreams are stupid anyway. They're just dreams.
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