" owie owie fuckin zowie owie shit ouch OUWCH SHIT OWWWWWOWOWO"
- me the morning after riding a bike a fairly long distance after breaking my ribs
Hey. I fell off my fucking bike. It's all I can think about right now. I have been riding a bike a lot lately. Trying to get like 15 miles per day or something. It was going well!! I had a 75 mile week followed by a 60 mile week!! I was killing it!
I go on these weekly rides. They're fun ! Pretty fun . They're.. a way to meet new people anyway.. I enjoy them enough. The only problem is I've fallen.. at every.. single.. group ride. I have fallen off my bicycle EVERY time (6 times so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I feel like such an ASSHOLE because people have to stop around me and stuff. I could be the cause of a big pileup or something because I'm just a stupid, inexperienced cyclist.
The first times were because of gravel or loose dirt. I ride a fixed gear bike (I know shut the fuck up leave me alone I have a brake on it just let me be) and it has road tires which are fairly awful for anything but pavement or smooth earth and on the group rides there's generally a bit of off road riding which is understandable but I don't know how to handle it that well yet!
This time was a bit different though. I was going across some railroad tracks that were like this on the road
That.. took me longer than I'd like to admit to finish. I guess I could have just said that the tracks run diagonal to the road. I should have steered my bike towards the tracks to cross them at a perpendicular angle but I didn't think of that until the last second and I rode straight over the tracks which caused my front wheel to turn and catch on the track, stopping my bike and sending me flying. I landed on my arm and got some pretty gnarly road rash on my hand and forearm but they just bled for a minute and seemed to be fine. Stingy but fine. I quickly jumped back onto my bike to not hinder progress and we took off northward. The night was pretty fine but towards the end my chest really started hurting and my body was really starting to ache.
It was like 22:30 and I needed to get home. Some guy ran headfirst into a damn median and he crashed really hard. He seemed fine but the group still had to stop because he had a flat and we don't leave people behind but..... I really needed to go. So I ended up sprinting all the way home passing everybody else that had left before me because I feel the need to feel powerful and strong. I got home, hobbled myself and my bike up the steps, cried a bit, took a horse ibuprofen and got in the shower. I was so sweaty and exhausted from everything that had happened.
That was when I started hurting a little differently.. Man.. falling off your bike that many times is really really embarrassing. I know I don't know any of these people. I don't care what they think of me really. Or rather, it wouldn't change anything in my life but.. God I just don't want to be known as the guy (on the fixie 🙄) who falls all the time. I thought of a nickname in the shower "tumblin toad" which made me laugh and then shed actual tears because I hope Amon never thinks of that.. which he's a funny guy.. he might. And it would be hilarious if he did but.. I'll never mention it. I just.. I want to be cool and interesting but it's hard. I'm really shy and whenever my other friends come on the ride they just want to get super high, which don't get me wrong, is quite fun, but I don't want to do that ALL the time you know? Plus other people bring tons of weed too and it gets a little tiresome constantly having a joint passed to you you know? I'm trying to be healthy riding a bike. I'll hit it a few times but I'm not trying to get stupid. Because when I smoke that much weed I just DONT talk to anyone because I'm too anxious!!
Another thing that's been bothering me.. I am SO LONELY. Being hurt and not being able to move around without hurting is really annoying because I still have to piss and shit (REALLY HARD TO WIPE MY ASS RN) and cook and eat and work (I mean I have been kind of taking it easy on that these past few days at least) and stuff. I just wish I had someone to help me. Someone to maybe kiss my boo boos. Pat me on the head and bring me ice packs. I was laying in bed after my shower and I was worn out from the ride. I remembered there were pickles in the fridge (craving salt) and I would've given anything to have somebody there beside me to just get a pickle and put it on a paper towel for me so I can eat it. I've told a few people and they've said their "There, there hope ya get well soon champ!"s but.. it's not the same as having someone actually care about you. It's not the same as having a woman next to you. Someone to hold onto and .. just be with I guess. I am also realizing that I should.. probably settle down at some point. I just.. wish .. I could find her. I wish with all my heart to find her. Apps haven't been helping. Being inside all the time hasn't been helping. There was a cute girl at the ride that seemed to be there alone but.. that doesn't mean she's single and also she's way too cute for me. Also she jokingly commented about people falling and then realized after that I fell when I talked to her for a sec when that guy crashed at the end of the night. She asked how it was but didn't really look at me as I was answering so I think she had an aversion to me which is understandable but. anyway i think i'm going to bed now. friday night can't do anything. ribs are broken. arm feels like it's broken too. neck is stiff. back hurts. could use a massage. too bad.
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