A lot of these posts I just kind of stream of consciousness write and post without a second thought. I've gone through and read them a few times, but most of the time I just dump words onto the page with tears in my eyes and a grimace on my stupid face. Sometimes I'll write them while I'm working. Straight faced and trying to not let anyone know I'm hemorrhaging emotions onto a page I know (at least I hope) no one will ever read. When I die should I let people know about this? Should I just leak it? Would anyone even want to read it? The inane ramblings of a depressed loser who hates everything about himself and the world around him? Who is unwilling to go, even a single time, to a doctor who may be able to help with that kind of thing? I doubt it. I'm sure some people would say they'd want to read it but.. I doubt they'd read much. They'd see it's just a guy moping and whining and complaining and threatening suicide to an endless void, roll their eyes and maybe mention to others who knew me about how "you could tell he was really struggling". Then in a year I'd be forgotten forever. Peo
ple would go about their days completely normally and.. like.. that's a good thing. It feels peaceful. I kind of want to fade into the background. I guess that's why I'm such a recluse. I want to fade out and be forgotten. I want to fall into the ranks of the forgotten billions of people who have died before me.
