I decided to quit drinking, smoking, caffeine, mushrooms AND jerkin off for a month. So far.. it's been.. kinda nice lol. The week before November was filled with debauchery. I smoked joint after joint and drank til I passed out multiple nights. On halloween I went to a big costume party and met a bunch of new people and..... got so high I couldn't really talk to anyone confidently. There were several single women there who I could've talked to but I didn't. POLE DANCERS no less. I just smoked weed and then rekindled my nicotine addiction. It was.. not great. It was fun! Don't get me wrong. I love getting fucked up and passing out kinda sometimes. Was it fun? It was.. somewhat fun. I enjoy spending time with my friends. That's always fun. Idk. I just feel like I'm kind of the worst version of myself when I'm all fucked up. When I'm sober, I'm funnier, more confident, more social, more caring about my friends.. it's kind of weird. But I also really like weed. I like getting high, it's fun. I feel like playing piano is more fun when I'm high. And video games are way more fun when smoking.. but I mean.. are those the things I should really be doing all the time?
This past week I've run 12 miles, started lifting weights again, cleaned my entire apartment and gotten my laundry done when it should be (including bedding). I've eaten out WAY less and cooked WAY more making sure to have clean dishes when I'm done (most of the time) and saved a bunch of money I would've wasted. I've not played a single hour of Minecraft, which is pretty unusual for me. I've also stopped simping for a girl I wanted to date and started simping for a girl I really really want to date. I feel like I have more self respect. Idk. Not jerking off and not doing any kind of drugs has been just great.. although everybody looks at me like I'm a maniac lol. I've heard a lot of "can't be me"s which.. honestly?.. just makes me feel even more confident in the decision to do this lol. I have been flirting with Michelle a lot but unfortunately she still lives across the country and I still have no way of ever really dating her. She's so god damned beautiful. Ugh. NNN is making me simp for girls way more. I think I'm going to continue not jerking it though. Even after November ends. I want the next time I ejac to be with a woman. I'm tired of fucking jerkin it. I def started kind of machine gun jack hammering my cock which is NOT good for the next time I'm actually with a woman so I think it was the right decision and I think the decision to continue not jerkin it is the right one. Idk. Stream of consciousness kind of. I feel way better. Not sad even a little. I just really need to keep working out, smoke and drink less, quit fucking jerking off so much and I'm golden. I still feel sad sometimes but it's way less intense. Huh. Is this what's been wrong this whole time? Fuck..
