It's April. Happy tax day. I got 3 dollars back this year.
I got a Winter Storm Alert on my phone a month into Spring and I felt like a real jackass wearing sneaky bois outside as I greeted the chicken delivery guy.
Yeah I broke my New Years' Resolution.
Got delivery chicken. I'm pretty pathetic.
And fat. Currently typing this while trying to ignore the man tits I can see jutting out from my chest in my peripheral vision below the laptop monitor. Maybe if I keep wishing them away they'll just pop off and run away someday. All the way to the hills. Maybe they'll jump onto someone who feels self conscious about their tits and I'll be a hero. Or maybe they'll just keep expanding and expanding and all the rest of my masculinity will drain into these two big globules of womanly tit meat and I'll just start wearing a sports bra all the time to make it less obvious even though everyone is fully aware and .. What the fuck am I talking about? Who the fuck cares?
That's just it! Nobody!
At the end of the day it doesn't matter. No one is around to care whether or not I succeed or fail in my NYR's. I doubt anyone even remembers I'd told them. Even though I made it kind of a big deal because I thought it was funny, I doubt there's anyone who would remember. I guess I don't really remember anyone else's either though.. Has anyone told me??
I don't know if I've ever consciously followed through on a resolution. I might've offhandedly resolved to lose weight and then did so through sheer poverty but I've never actually changed that which I've resolved to change. I wonder how common of a statistic that is. How many people have never actually achieved their New Years' Resolution? I wonder how many people die without having ever attained one? That must be a harsh realization on your deathbed.
Although you're probably thinking about your kids and your life and reflecting on whatever on your deathbed. Thinking about the things you've done and the places you have (and haven't) been. Thinking about every woman you've ever loved, every special moment you've shared with the people in your life. Probably not so much about the 10 hours you spent watching Westworld this past weekend. Probably not so much the time you spent baked and napping (though getting baked and napping is.. in a word intoxicating) nor all the snacks you ate. I'm not saying I want to quit weed, but I'm definitely realizing more and more as I age how much it's affecting me. But I guess it's kind of a ouroboros type thing. Do I smoke tons of weed because I'm lonely and sad or am I sad and lonely because I smoke a lot of weed? Or is it both at once? Maybe it's a double ouroboros? Like one snake eating another's ass while that snake eats the ass of the former. Do snakes have asses? How do snakes poop? I'll google it tomorrow.
