It's 2:15 pm on Saturday 10/29/22. I'm feeling kinda grumpy. I am in Illinois again. Just.. chillin. Waiting to go back to my hotel. Sitting on my computer trying to find some work to do but I don't really feel like doing it. I am pretty much done with all the stuff I needed to do for this commissioning trip, but need to stick around for the next 4 days even though I was done with my work 3 days into this 10 day trip. It wouldn't be so bad if there were actually something to do in this town but ..There's really not too much here.. It's all just fast food and a couple grocery stores. I've found one semi decent restaurant here and that's really been the only redeeming part of the trip so far. Other than that, it's mostly just been extremely boring. Now it's the weekend and I'm stuck in this place until I can leave on Wednesday morning. I think I should be able to work from my hotel moving forward though. So that should be a little better. At least I don't have to listen to forklifts beep beep beeping all day. Maybe I can go for a little run now that it's been a while since my last one.
I recently did a hard run and exacerbated a groin strain that has been building up over this summer. I have been getting ok at running but I tried to go way too hard too early and hurt myself yet again. At this point I can do a 10k at a 9.5 min pace (maybe a little slower but hey), so that's kinda cool. I'm much more physically fit than I was a year ago. Or really than I have ever been (since I was a a youngin anyway). It's been nice being able to run far without feeling like dying and fit into my clothes better. I feel more attractive and confident than I ever have but I am still.. kinda.. just alone. I have been talking to my friend R but.. I don't know. I don't know if I should date within my close friend group. It seems like a recipe for disaster. I love R, I think he's really cool and sexy but.. I just can't. My other two friends K and M have just broken up and the shockwaves have been reverberating through the group. I foresee myself not being close with any of M's friends anymore and that makes me very sad. They don't need me and I am closer to K so they will avoid and forget about me. There's now a rift in the group and that's ..always how it goes. K is extremely depressed and I can't even go and comfort him in this time of need because of this trip.
Breaking up fucking sucks. But should I really not pursue someone I'm interested in solely because I'm afraid of what would happen were we to break up? My heart says "No! Pursue love! You deserve to love and feel loved!" but my brain can't stop thinking about the consequences of what would happen were we to fall out of love.
Stupid stupid stupid. Want to go home and nap. Bleh
