online dating

 it's like dating.. but online. 

Pretty amazing stuff. Takes a classic human thing (romance) and just makes it really convenient and accessible! not like before!!

romance and fulfillment now on your rectangle! 

It's the best thing since pulling over for a stranded lady with a dead battery and helping her out and talking about places you've traveled and things you've done and getting to know each other and she lives right around the corner somewhere.. I wonder if we'll ever meet again. I always look for her mini but I never see it. It's ok though I'll forget about her someday. I've probably fallen in love like that a hundred times.

I've been on it for a bit now. Online dating. I've still never met anybody worth a fuck on it but eh I haven't met up with that many people either. Tinder, bumble, tried hinge and okcupid. I've been on all of them lol. Kind of sad. I feel like they used to be a little more fun? Now they're just all the same. Swipe, swipe, swipe, write a little bullshit thing about yourself unless you're hot and then you can just post your ig handle. Post a couple of pictures and they'd better be fucking GOOD. Or else you might as well not even be on the app.

Oh, do you enjoy traveling? Wow that's crazy me too what a coincidence. Oh you *cracking up* you'd rather hang out with my dog than me??? OMG that's hilarious. You're so funny. HAHAH. OMG GREAT GIF QUEEN LMAO. THE OFFICE GO OFF SKSKSK. I have been thinking that for so LONG omg "I just have been looking for the Pam to MY Jim"!! If I had a camera on me I'd ALWAYS be sarcastically looking into like *mimic Jim from The Office* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

and it's the worst when you actually start messaging someone and they just answer your questions and offer nothing else up for the conversation. 

Me: Oh wow haha I actually love the Barenaked Ladies that's hilarious I haven't thought about them in so long when did you see them?

Them: October 1st.

Me: ................................................................................................and? ..........how was it? I mean.. say something. YOu literally just RESPONDED TO THE INQUIRY and then dipped. Like throw me a fucking bone here dude.  

IT'S HARD TO MEET SOMEBODY IN REAL LIFE WHEN YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME INSIDE ON YOUR COMPUTER TYPING AND ON YOUR PHONE SWIPING AND ON YOUR COMPUTER GRIPING YOUTUBE SMOKING WEED TO NUMB YOURSELF AND MAKE YOURSELF FORGET HOW THINGS YOUSED TO BE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND WHO YOU ARE. YOU'LL JUST CONTINUE SITTING HERE IN SILENCE.  NOT TALKING TO ANYONE NOT LOVING ANYONE. SITTING HERE MAKING YOUR LITTLE YOUTUBE VIDEOS. DO YOU THINK IT'S ANY BETTER NOW THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT? 

from me to you honestly fuck you, me.

I sounded so hopeful

Where are you going? Where are you going? You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. I had hope then. When I wrote that. Just down there! I had hope! I was on a good path. I was doing stuff right. What you're doing now is NOT the right path and I need you to know that I know you know that. And by I I mean you dude(lol sure). You're making terrible choices. The only good choice you've made recently is this keyboard. It's absolutely phenomenal. I can't stop typing on it. I really would like to do a little bit of a lube on it tho.  I think you can do it with spray lube.  I could also desolder and resolder all the little keys on.  Might be kind of an interesting project. And it'll result in a very smooth and comfortable typing experience. FFFUCK. I wish I didn't suck so much at Halo at least. The worst part of this living  like a piece of shit thing is that I'm not even that good at the stuff I waste the most time on lol. Honestly? You sounded like way less of a bummer back then. During that last post. What have you done lately? You tried some videos but didn't even upload 3 videos in a series. If anyone were to ever want to watch them they'd only get what two introductory videos to series? That have.. no continuation? MAN you suck. You're SO LAZY. STOP SMOKING SO MUCH FUCKING WEED DUDE. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE DOING DAB AFTER DAB EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU'RE DOING THEM AND I KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE. I GET ENJOYING THAT STUPID LITTLE PYRAMID THING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE BUT YOU WENT THROUGH 2 GRAMS IN LIKE A WEEK DUDE. CRINGE. YOU ONLY SHARED A LITTLE OF IT LAST FRIDAY. LAST FRIDAY WHEN YOUR ROUTINE MANDATED YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. WHY ARE THESE THINGS SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE. AM I NOT A MAN? AM I NOT ABLE, AND NOT ONLY THAT, WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO BETTER MYSELF AND GIVE MYSELF THE LIFE I GOD DAMNED WELL KNOW I DESERVE?

nice capslock speech little man.               You're stuck.                                  

                    you think that'll stop me?                                        dude get some snax

                                                                               xD                                    i fucken love weed lol

          bruh....................lol........

imagine          caring          about             anything

Week 1 of No Fun November

 I decided to quit drinking, smoking, caffeine, mushrooms AND jerkin off for a month. So far.. it's been.. kinda nice lol. The week before November was filled with debauchery. I smoked joint after joint and drank til I passed out multiple nights. On halloween I went to a big costume party and met a bunch of new people and..... got so high I couldn't really talk to anyone confidently. There were several single women there who I could've talked to but I didn't. POLE DANCERS no less. I just smoked weed and then rekindled my nicotine addiction. It was.. not great. It was fun! Don't get me wrong. I love getting fucked up and passing out kinda sometimes. Was it fun? It was.. somewhat fun. I enjoy spending time with my friends. That's always fun. Idk. I just feel like I'm kind of the worst version of myself when I'm all fucked up. When I'm sober, I'm funnier, more confident, more social, more caring about my friends.. it's kind of weird. But I also really like weed. I like getting high, it's fun. I feel like playing piano is more fun when I'm high. And video games are way more fun when smoking.. but I mean.. are those the things I should really be doing all the time? 

This past week I've run 12 miles, started lifting weights again, cleaned my entire apartment and gotten my laundry done when it should be (including bedding). I've eaten out WAY less and cooked WAY more making sure to have clean dishes when I'm done (most of the time) and saved a bunch of money I would've wasted. I've not played a single hour of Minecraft, which is pretty unusual for me. I've also stopped simping for a girl I wanted to date and started simping for a girl I really really want to date. I feel like I have more self respect. Idk. Not jerking off and not doing any kind of drugs has been just great.. although everybody looks at me like I'm a maniac lol. I've heard a lot of "can't be me"s which.. honestly?.. just makes me feel even more confident in the decision to do this lol. I have been flirting with Michelle a lot but unfortunately she still lives across the country and I still have no way of ever really dating her. She's so god damned beautiful. Ugh. NNN is making me simp for girls way more. I think I'm going to continue not jerking it though. Even after November ends. I want the next time I ejac to be with a woman. I'm tired of fucking jerkin it. I def started kind of machine gun jack hammering my cock which is NOT good for the next time I'm actually with a woman so I think it was the right decision and I think the decision to continue not jerkin it is the right one. Idk. Stream of consciousness kind of. I feel way better. Not sad even a little. I just really need to keep working out, smoke and drink less, quit fucking jerking off so much and I'm golden. I still feel sad sometimes but it's way less intense. Huh. Is this what's been wrong this whole time? Fuck..

bonkers

A lot of these posts I just kind of stream of consciousness write and post without a second thought. I've gone through and read them a few times, but most of the time I just dump words onto the page with tears in my eyes and a grimace on my stupid face. Sometimes I'll write them while I'm working. Straight faced and trying to not let anyone know I'm hemorrhaging emotions onto a page I know (at least I hope) no one will ever read. When I die should I let people know about this? Should I just leak it? Would anyone even want to read it? The inane ramblings of a depressed loser who hates everything about himself and the world around him? Who is unwilling to go, even a single time, to a doctor who may be able to help with that kind of thing? I doubt it. I'm sure some people would say they'd want to read it but.. I doubt they'd read much. They'd see it's just a guy moping and whining and complaining and threatening suicide to an endless void, roll their eyes and maybe mention to others who knew me about how "you could tell he was really struggling". Then in a year I'd be forgotten forever. Peo

ple would go about their days completely normally and.. like.. that's a good thing. It feels peaceful. I kind of want to fade into the background. I guess that's why I'm such a recluse. I want to fade out and be forgotten. I want to fall into the ranks of the forgotten billions of people who have died before me.

everything old is new again

the tides ebb and flow endlessly 

as time trudges on the beaches erode and the sea consumes the land 

stagnation is truly impossible in this life. 

the sea truly is the cruelest mistress. 

wow hey gang here I am again back at it again with the white vans. I am in Illinois for work once more. Do I miss it? No absolutely not. Absolutely not at all. At least I'm getting paid more. I'm with several coworkers. They do not believe one should live extravagantly on the company dime. 

They do not believe in the one possible act of rebellion with respect to being employed at a multi million dollar company. I suppose they're right in a way. One probably shouldn't drink and eat well in excess on company money, but man oh man do I want to. It's not all bad. We went to an irish pub and it happened to be half st paddy's day which was fun. We got free drinks and some green beads. 

Didn't even have to expose our breasts. 

I do not miss living this life. 

I do not miss being in hotels. 

I do not miss driving hours upon end in foreign cars (not the cool kind just the normal kind). 

I do not miss missing my friends. 

I do not miss being alone. 

I do not miss any of this. 

But this is.. my life again. 

I guess it is inevitable. I guess I'll start bringing my guitar again so I can have something to do. 

Maybe I'll meet another girl in a foreign country. 

Maybe I can be happy again. 

Probably not though. 

Man..

Back at it again with the crippling depression

wow. I'm finally employed again. crazy. can you believe it? me of all people. employed by other people. And I'm working! Which is great. I love my life. : ) Everything is so great. That girl I mentioned before? Haven't talked to her in weeks lmao. She lives on the other side of the country. But that's probably for the best. My dog died. I'm gonna miss him a lot. I've been crying constantly. It's friday. Anyway. I'm gonna go eat a donut.

feelin fine

 sitting in my chair listening to music feeling like I'm okay I'm finally feeling like I'm doing
okay I've got a job offer getting the letter in my email address tomorrow feeling like I've finally made it finally getting back to work finally feeling like I'm gonna be
alright finally talking to a girl finally feeling like it's gonna be
okay talked to her for 5 hrs yesterday felt really good what am I feeling I should
be happy you should be happy we're all happy for you you're employed

I know that's been bugging you for a while 

getting rejected time and time again by the companies you applied to and interviewed at i'm sure you're feeling
pretty great what are you gonna do to celebrate idk maybe i'll get drunk by myself again maybe i'll
eat a cookie
maybe feeling like okay feeling like I'm okay feeling pretty good feeling alright feeling pretty good feeling okay feeling alright feeling happy celebrating washed the dishes cooked some chicken and potatoes and ate feeling full feeling happy and celebrating feeling so great about it finally have a job so great for me you're gonna be great youre gonna make them a lot of money its a senior position so responsibility is yeah there okay no you'reg reat you're foing fane feelin feine fling fin feeling so fine 

feeling like i'm gonna make it

dnd scene

     Merlara stands on the edge of the stone floor, water around her ankles. Her eyes closed, she concentrates her will to a single point in her mind. She opens her eyes, they blur for a moment and she can feel the sparks emanating from her fingertips. She draws her arm back as a bright red bolt appears in her hand and she hurls it at the mound of flesh creeping towards her companions. The bolt strikes the creature and its flesh begins to smoke and sizzle. 

Marten, drawing back his bow to fire another arrow, is momentarily distracted by the smell of the creature burning. He thinks "..smells like roast boar.. weird.." and then snaps out of it as he recalls the gravity of the situation he's in.
    His vision, due to the distance from his target, is somewhat blurred. But the huge mound of flesh creeping steadily forward in the water before him was a large enough target that he knew his arrow couldn't miss. He released his fingers and the arrow sped forward narrowly missing Nectar. It sank straight into the creature's sizzling flesh all the way to the fletching and made a sort of splorch noise that is difficult to describe in words but you'd know it if you heard it. 

    Meanwhile, Arbane and Lyra, accustomed to being in the heat of battle, are bashing the mound to hell and back. Lyra, in a furious rage, screams in a language you're not even sure SHE knows she knows and repeatedly plunges her axe into the creature. Ulric also hammers away on the pile with his longsword slicing into its flesh like a christmas ham. He makes sure to keep a bit of distance between himself and Lyra because she gets scary when she's like this and he knows it.
Lyra, thriving in the heat of battle feels a familiar theatrical urge manifest itself in her mind as she shouts "WATCH THIS" and leaps into the air intending to bring her greataxe down upon the abomination. However as she leaps, the mound shoots out an appendage from its body and knocks Lyra out of the air. Winded, she topples to the ground when another appendage shoots out and smacks her again. Lyra is incapacitated and the mound moves forward to engulf her like it has so many before.

    Stacy and Nectar scream in unison at the sight of this and Nectar smacks even more furiously at the creature with her stick. Nectar: "WHEN IS IT GONNA DIIIE??" Stacy: "SOON. SOON? SOON?! PLEASE??" as she plunges her battleaxe into the monstrosity before her. Both are trying as hard as they can to avert their eyes from the mound.  

    Stak meanwhile absentmindedly meanders around the stone dais with his leather bag of herbs tending to various wounds. He squints back at Marten to see if he might need any healing and completely misses Lyra being engulfed. Seeing no healing is needed, he chuckles to himself and pulls out his shiny new sword. With a youthful glint in his eye he shuffles over to the creature and with some effort raises the sword and sticks it into the mound. Stak: "Heh heh. Take that." He is immediately winded by this action but feels truly invigorated because of it. 

    Inside the flesh mound, Lyra awakens and sees before her a horrible sight. What appears to be a.. or at least at one point was.. a humanoid baby. The screams emanating from the flesh mound are in fact those of this deformed creature amplified through holes in the outer flesh hull of the mound. Seeing this tortured being before her, she feels a pang of sorrow as she realizes what has to be done to put an end to the last remnant of this failed cult. 

The flesh mound's movement ceases. 

The shrieks coming from the creature stop and only the sounds of sloshing water reverberating off the stone roof remain in its stead. 

    Ulric wades over to the mound, furrows his brow, reaches in and feels around for Lyra's arm. He smiles briefly as he grabs her arm and helps her struggle out casting healing magic on her in the process. She steps onto the stone dais, theatrical fervor now completely gone, and walks slowly away from the now defeated being behind her.

Huh. Been a while. Things have changed but I mean have they?

 I'm 30 now. That's a big difference. Kinda. I mean I was 29 when I last posted so is it really that big of a difference? If you ask my internal monologue it sure is. Is it really though? My grandpa told me the best years of your life are in your 30's. People take you seriously and you're usually an established man in control of finances and able to keep up with life without much help. That kind of describes me. I'm certainly good at maintaining my life at this point without much help. 

I live in a very cheap apartment near downtown Grand Rapids. "Beer city USA". Heh heh that's us. Us and every other medium small sized midwestern city. I have a lot of money saved up from my previous job who paid me way too much money and needed someone with way more skills than I have so when my contract ended they just kinda didn't hire me back on. Which is shitty. But I mean it could be worse right? After that I tried to get unemployment and I applied and waited for someone to call me about it but nobody ever did and I fired off some emails but never heard anything back. So I'm living on my own supply right now. But I live very cheaply and don't need to spend much. Maybe might be spending a bit more with nice weather coming up.. I'd better get a job soon. 

So far, I've entered my 30's losing net worth and spending my time.. what.. playing minecraft (

still dude? 

yeah what. I like it. it's a fun game and when you play it with mods it becomes a whole other thing.

are you trying to justify your addiction to a game about placing colorful blocks in pleasing shapes? yeah... 

ok lol.

)? 

Getting better at cooking? Who cares. Not making you any money. I am definitely getting fatter as a result though which is super great. 

Walking?
Just WALKING?? 

Well like 7 miles every couple days..

I mean that's not bad but like.. you used to run. Less distance for sure but you were RUNNING. You did 5 miles once. That's not bad (laughing face emoji). But lately you've been doing a lot of idling. Just sitting around eating food and watching videos on your phone. Reading occasionally. MANGA, dork. 

Yeah reading mostly manga. IT IS READING. 

Fuck! I am kind of a manchild. It's gross. I need to start working out again. Just go to the gym. You'll be fine. You probably won't get covid. You're a week away from being fully vaxxed to the maxx so maybe start this week by just doing SOMETHING to get a sweat up. 

Anyway. Life is a big strange journey isn't it?