Huh. Been a while. Things have changed but I mean have they?

 I'm 30 now. That's a big difference. Kinda. I mean I was 29 when I last posted so is it really that big of a difference? If you ask my internal monologue it sure is. Is it really though? My grandpa told me the best years of your life are in your 30's. People take you seriously and you're usually an established man in control of finances and able to keep up with life without much help. That kind of describes me. I'm certainly good at maintaining my life at this point without much help. 

I live in a very cheap apartment near downtown Grand Rapids. "Beer city USA". Heh heh that's us. Us and every other medium small sized midwestern city. I have a lot of money saved up from my previous job who paid me way too much money and needed someone with way more skills than I have so when my contract ended they just kinda didn't hire me back on. Which is shitty. But I mean it could be worse right? After that I tried to get unemployment and I applied and waited for someone to call me about it but nobody ever did and I fired off some emails but never heard anything back. So I'm living on my own supply right now. But I live very cheaply and don't need to spend much. Maybe might be spending a bit more with nice weather coming up.. I'd better get a job soon. 

So far, I've entered my 30's losing net worth and spending my time.. what.. playing minecraft (

still dude? 

yeah what. I like it. it's a fun game and when you play it with mods it becomes a whole other thing.

are you trying to justify your addiction to a game about placing colorful blocks in pleasing shapes? yeah... 

ok lol.

)? 

Getting better at cooking? Who cares. Not making you any money. I am definitely getting fatter as a result though which is super great. 

Walking?
Just WALKING?? 

Well like 7 miles every couple days..

I mean that's not bad but like.. you used to run. Less distance for sure but you were RUNNING. You did 5 miles once. That's not bad (laughing face emoji). But lately you've been doing a lot of idling. Just sitting around eating food and watching videos on your phone. Reading occasionally. MANGA, dork. 

Yeah reading mostly manga. IT IS READING. 

Fuck! I am kind of a manchild. It's gross. I need to start working out again. Just go to the gym. You'll be fine. You probably won't get covid. You're a week away from being fully vaxxed to the maxx so maybe start this week by just doing SOMETHING to get a sweat up. 

Anyway. Life is a big strange journey isn't it?

 *screams into void* i hope you're having a nice evening

anticipation

 it's rare. this feeling anymore. Looking forward to something. Not knowing whether or not the result will be in my favor or ..otherwise. Hey man just do it . just say the words . you know what you're supposed to say lol GO NOW AND NEVER FALTER

all I wanna do is smoke some weed and stay in bed

it's all good

It's all fine. No worries.
I'm going to head back to work soon.
I'm going to start going back to the gym soon.
I'm going to appreciate my life soon.
I'm going to clean up my apartment soon.
I'm going to meet a nice girl soon.
I'm going to go travel the country more soon.
I'm going to get a house soon.
I'm going to get married soon.
I'm going to have kids soon.
I'm going to make an album soon.
I'm going to learn how to make stuff with leather soon.
I'm going to appreciate my life soon.
I'm going to become a more competent programmer soon.
I'm going to learn how to fish soon.
I'm going to be more stylish soon.
I'm going to lose weight soon.
I'm going to be better soon.
I'm going to appreciate my life soon.
I'm going to get a cool car soon.
I'm going to be successful soon.
I'm going to be more outgoing soon.
I'm going to appreciate my life soon.
I'm going to appreciate my family soon.
I'm going to visit my grandmother soon.
I'm going to appreciate my life soon.

every day is a gift

every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift every day is a gift

"eh I knew what I was doing, don't be disingenuous because you feel bad about it" - future me

I'm a homewrecker now. I met a girl while out on a pub crawl this past weekend who was in town for a couple days. Jenn.


The pub crawl itself was a clusterfuck. It was a "onesie bar crawl" event on facebook. In order to get some drink specials you had to pay 15 bucks for a wrist band and then we were supposed to go to a different bar every couple hours. Unfortunately there were really only two people working the event and only one of the bars had even agreed to host the amount of people in onesies. There really were no other drink specials either but whatever. 15 bucks down the drain. I'm not furious.


I only bring this up because it was relevant to our meeting. When we were about to leave the first bar for the second (Gardellas) the two workers announced that the next bar we were going to was not to be open for another two hours, so my group and a few others decided to ditch the large group and go to Z's. Went there, drank some drinks, ate some chicken wings and in she walked.


She sat down near us because she was curious why a bunch of people in onesies were sitting around getting wasted at the bar. A couple other people decided to take it upon themselves to let them know how single and interesting I am as I was shoving spicy wings into my gullet. She ended up coming and sitting next to me and telling me about how the guy she was in town visiting (she's from Minnesota) ended up ditching her in her hotel leaving her alone in a town where she knew no one. So we as a group adopted her and she joined our party. We went to a few other bars and got progressively more drunk as the night went on even getting to a point where we swapped clothing. She took my onesie and I took her cardigan. It was pretty funny at the time. We all had a laugh.


Ended up going to the BOB and finished the night there. Everyone was tired so we all went our separate ways.. I ended up going back to her room.. Once we got there we did hotel room things and ended up getting a pizza. As I'm sitting there on the bed eating a slice I see her phone vibrating on the end table next to me..


Ben❤️


I said.. what..?


Who's that?


Ok so I want to be honest.. he's my boyfriend.


Turns out they've been a couple for years.


As a man who has been cheated on.. ouch. As a human with a need for affection who's been on a year+ dry spell? Idk what to think. Anyway we ate the pizza. We kissed for a while longer and I .. fell asleep.


So in the end.. she came here to have an affair with a guy who got cold feet.. then she met me. And decided to have an affair with me instead. And here I am now. Sitting here feeling terrible because of what I did. My friends say it's not my problem or my responsibility but it's difficult to just abstract this into something that doesn't matter. Do I want to contact the dude and ruin possibly both of their lives? No. Do I feel the need to do SOMETHING? Absolutely. But what? Should I just forget this and mark it down as the last big mistake of my 20's or what? It really isn't my problem and stuff like this happens all the time it's just.. I feel guilty. But I don't think that guilt is gonna go anywhere.


She's tried to contact me a couple times but I've basically just given her short replies and am kind of implying I don't think we should talk anymore.. hopefully she gets it and admits what she did and they can move on but I just don't have the emotional capacity to keep giving a shit about it.


Something good finally happens and rather than a silver lining there's a shit crust lining on the inside of this cumulonimbus so it's just raining shit water down.

waking up

Some days are more difficult than others.  Some are easier.  Some days you wake up in the morning feeling like you're ready for a new day.  Like there are things to be done and opportunities to be seized.  Other days it feels like there's no point to even going outside.  But the sad truth is every day there are things to be done and opportunities to be seized.  Even on days when you can't seem to get out of bed and step into the shower.  Then those days are just wasted and you feel even worse.

Today is one of the difficult days.  I found myself this morning sitting naked on the floor next to my bed strumming on my guitar trying to create something.  Anything.  It doesn't even matter if it's beautiful or coherent.  Just trying to create something that sounds reasonably good. 

I woke up earlier that morning and immediately looked at my phone.  The first thing I notice is that I slept through my first alarm.  Then I opened up reddit and began browsing some askreddit posts.  I keep thinking that I'm going to stop myself from doing that.  Waking up to an information overload delivered from a lit up rectangle just can't be good for anyone's mental health.  I should get an alarm clock.. Anyway.  I sit there and stare at my phone for a while and finally get up around the time I should be arriving at work.  I go to the bathroom and turn on the water to heat up and remove my clothes from the day before (most of the time I just go to sleep in my clothes). Then I go back to my bed and lay down for a bit under the covers.  I go back to the bathroom and take my vitamins and then head back to my bed.  All the while the water is running and is heated, of course. So I sit next to my bed and grab my guitar.  It feels cold on my thigh and stomach but it warms up pretty quick.  I pluck out a few nice sounding notes and then finally get up and go to the shower.  This is the most boring dogshit blog post ever.  I hope someone fucking kills me on the way home today.

stormy

The rain is lightly tapping on the windows.  A drop rolls down the pane and joins some of its brothers.  They combine into one large raindrop streaking towards the earth.  I watch it with glee as a second large raindrop begins to roll down the window at the same time as the first.  The two raindrops plummet towards the bottom of the window.  Which one will win? 

The minor distractions of the day plague me.  I always have something occupying my mind but most of the time the occupations are of little to no consequence.  Just kind of floating through life taking care of the minor things and making sure my clothes are clean.  What's the next big purchase? Where's the next big move?  What's the next big plan?  I spend so much time thinking about what's next but never acting on it.  Never forcing myself to take a step towards the next phase of life.  It's probably because I'm scared.  I'm scared of the next step.  I don't want to get old.

happy dreams are the worst ones.  the ones that take you down some crazy road to a place where nothing can go wrong

hotel

There's no other place that feels as lonely as a hotel.  I've stayed in so many for so long that the smell has become ingrained in my psyche.  You know the smell.  Vaguely musty from the thousands of people sleeping, dreaming, eating, fucking, living for days or sometimes weeks at a time in a single, tiny room with a view of an industrial park through the window you can't open because too many people have killed themselves jumping out of them..  The carpet threadbare from the thousands of paces across the floor of people wondering when they'll be able to leave.  Wondering what's going to happen tomorrow.  Nervous about a presentation, frustrated by having to continually work, tired of having to sleep where thousands of others have slept, high on .. everything and anything...

The sheets will never be clean.  The showers will never be without scum. The space above the peephole on the door filthy with the grease of countless foreheads of people peering out wondering what they'll do if someone is looking at them from the other side.. but there's never anyone there.  Unless you ordered a whole pizza for yourself or something and the sad looking delivery boy is waiting for you to open the door.