I'm here, I'm here, I'm here

 I'm here. I'm sitting at my computer. It's 12:40 PM and I am alive on earth. My mind is not buzzing. It is sedated and I am calm. There is a creature behind me. I can smell it in the air, but I refuse to acknowledge it. That's what it wants. It's a small and bothersome creature. It lives behind me, whether I like it or not. I can rarely see it. But I know it's there. And it knows I know it's there. But it still refuses to present itself to me. 

What is it that causes me to freeze like this? Sometimes it's for weeks at a time. I think that's finally the verbiage I want to assign to it. I freeze. I used to think it was depression.. and maybe it was/is to a certain extent.. but it feels like it's more than that. I am regulated now so I feel less.. insane than I used to. Reading back on some of these posts.. I wonder how I managed. I guess I know. It's the same way I'm managing now. Lots of drugs. Feeling different all the time. It helps me forget that I exist in the world. It helps me pass the time. It helps me live, unfortunately. 

But back to the freezing. What is it that causes this? I will idle for weeks at a time. Not accomplishing anything, not really doing anything.. just doing small, insignificant projects. Not challenging myself really. Just shutting myself in and trying to ignore the world for weeks. I hate this world that I live in. I hate this life I've built for myself at times. I love the people I surround myself with but I sometimes wonder what I might have been able to accomplish had I not been a burnout loser. 

I can't write like I used to. I used to live inside my head and words would flow easily onto the page.. these days my mind works more slowly than before. I feel more sluggish. My back aches a few times a month now for unknown reasons. I'm much grumpier than before. I keep to myself and unfortunately.. I am getting stupider.

 

Ah well, such is life. Maybe I will be spared by AI in the future.