big walk, random thoughts

Big old walk coming up. Another 100 miler. Doing it over 8 or 9 days (depending on our weenie status). Really hoping it goes well. So far so good! I forgot to bring my tent and hiking poles so that's pretty cool and fun. My flights got all fudged up because one got cancelled and another that was way earlier in the day got pushed til after I landed. Sucks for them, rules for me. Ended up getting to Seattle around 1:30 and got picked up at like 3 because tj and k both fell asleep lol.  I understand it was very late. I really should've just gotten a normal flight.  The ones really late at night always end up messed up somehow.

I really can't explain now excited I am to get away from it all though.  To just grab my pack and my stove and food and just freakin WALK for a REALLY LONG TIME up and down trails and through the brush.  It's all I've been able to think about for a week. I really need a reprieve from work. Which is funny because I am one of the biggest slackers this side of the Mississippi. I barely do anything but man oh man that doesn't mean I don't need some time off from all the emails and stupid little teams conversations and meetings and dumb manager jokes. I think I'm starting to see eye to eye a little bit with the boomers that are suggesting people go back to he office though.  I really am getting lonely and I"ve noticed people (and this could be totally in my head) have been more socially inept lately.  Maybe it's just because I notice that stuff more now because I'm more conscious of it? Or perhaps this lockdown and the forced separation from one another have caused us to become more insular, solitary. We're more aggressive towards our fellow people and social media has also spurned this on.  I hate to sound like a typical "this next generation is fricked" boomer, but man oh man, this upcoming generation is the most phone addled, wannabe celebrity generation we've ever had.  

Ah fuck I'm sounding like an old man.  And also I'm getting sniffly because there's a cat here who LOVES me, which is great since I have a cat allergy.  Oh well. Life happens.  Looking forward to the trip!! Will be transferring over to paper space in just a couple short days..

I got back on Tinder. I'm just too lonely and I really don't know how to meet people in real life.  I've been doing social activities with people but I realized recently that all the social stuff I go to I just end up talking to a bunch of dudes (because single girls I don't think go to that kind of stuff because they know there will just be a bunch of thirsty dudes looking for a girlfriend lol..) so I need to figure out some other social stuff to be a part of where there may actually be women.  Anyway, I'm back on Tinder.  I got onto it and decided to pay for it this time.  I thought "surely, if I pay for this app and give them a little incentive they will perhaps boost me or maybe rank me up in the swipe order, but I think that is not the case! When you don't pay for the app, they have a reason to boost you a little more.  They have a reason to give you a little preferential treatment so you pay for the app. They're counting on people like me who are meh but have money.  I got way more matches on Tinder when I wasn't paying for it.  Like I remember the last time I made an account I immediately started getting a ton of likes and even got a few matches.  This time I paid for it off rip and received like 3 likes.. and that's it.  Nothing else. I haven't gotten a like in like 3 days!! So predatory! So I'm not paying for a second month. I guess I'll just deal with it. Maybe I'll remake my profile entirely from scratch and do a blind comparison haha.  Actually that's a good idea..

hurts

" owie owie fuckin zowie owie shit ouch OUWCH SHIT OWWWWWOWOWO"

- me the morning after riding a bike a fairly long distance after breaking my ribs

    Hey. I fell off my fucking bike. It's all I can think about right now. I have been riding a bike a lot lately. Trying to get like 15 miles per day or something. It was going well!! I had a 75 mile week followed by a 60 mile week!! I was killing it! 

    I go on these weekly rides. They're fun ! Pretty fun . They're.. a way to meet new people anyway.. I enjoy them enough. The only problem is I've fallen.. at every.. single.. group ride. I have fallen off my bicycle EVERY time (6 times so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I feel like such an ASSHOLE because people have to stop around me and stuff. I could be the cause of a big pileup or something because I'm just a stupid, inexperienced cyclist. 

    The first times were because of gravel or loose dirt. I ride a fixed gear bike (I know shut the fuck up leave me alone I have a brake on it just let me be) and it has road tires which are fairly awful for anything but pavement or smooth earth and on the group rides there's generally a bit of off road riding which is understandable but I don't know how to handle it that well yet! 

    This time was a bit different though. I was going across some railroad tracks that were like this on the road

............|    i    |<-- Road

 \  |    i    |

Tracks -->\  \|    i    |.........

  \ |\   i    |

    |\  \i    |

    |  \ i\   |

    |    \i \ |

    |    i \ |\

    That.. took me longer than I'd like to admit to finish. I guess I could have just said that the tracks run diagonal to the road. I should have steered my bike towards the tracks to cross them at a perpendicular angle but I didn't think of that until the last second and I rode straight over the tracks which caused my front wheel to turn and catch on the track, stopping my bike and sending me flying. I landed on my arm and got some pretty gnarly road rash on my hand and forearm but they just bled for a minute and seemed to be fine. Stingy but fine. I quickly jumped back onto my bike to not hinder progress and we took off northward. The night was pretty fine but towards the end my chest really started hurting and my body was really starting to ache. 

    It was like 22:30 and I needed to get home. Some guy ran headfirst into a damn median and he crashed really hard. He seemed fine but the group still had to stop because he had a flat and we don't leave people behind but..... I really needed to go. So I ended up sprinting all the way home passing everybody else that had left before me because I feel the need to feel powerful and strong. I got home, hobbled myself and my bike up the steps, cried a bit, took a horse ibuprofen and got in the shower. I was so sweaty and exhausted from everything that had happened. 

    That was when I started hurting a little differently.. Man.. falling off your bike that many times is really really embarrassing. I know I don't know any of these people. I don't care what they think of me really. Or rather, it wouldn't change anything in my life but.. God I just don't want to be known as the guy (on the fixie 🙄) who falls all the time. I thought of a nickname in the shower "tumblin toad" which made me laugh and then shed actual tears because I hope Amon never thinks of that.. which he's a funny guy.. he might. And it would be hilarious if he did but.. I'll never mention it. I just.. I want to be cool and interesting but it's hard. I'm really shy and whenever my other friends come on the ride they just want to get super high, which don't get me wrong, is quite fun, but I don't want to do that ALL the time you know? Plus other people bring tons of weed too and it gets a little tiresome constantly having a joint passed to you you know? I'm trying to be healthy riding a bike. I'll hit it a few times but I'm not trying to get stupid. Because when I smoke that much weed I just DONT talk to anyone because I'm too anxious!!

    Another thing that's been bothering me.. I am SO LONELY. Being hurt and not being able to move around without hurting is really annoying because I still have to piss and shit (REALLY HARD TO WIPE MY ASS RN) and cook and eat and work (I mean I have been kind of taking it easy on that these past few days at least) and stuff. I just wish I had someone to help me. Someone to maybe kiss my boo boos. Pat me on the head and bring me ice packs. I was laying in bed after my shower and I was worn out from the ride. I remembered there were pickles in the fridge (craving salt) and I would've given anything to have somebody there beside me to just get a pickle and put it on a paper towel for me so I can eat it. I've told a few people and they've said their "There, there hope ya get well soon champ!"s but.. it's not the same as having someone actually care about you. It's not the same as having a woman next to you. Someone to hold onto and .. just be with I guess.  I am also realizing that I should.. probably settle down at some point. I just.. wish .. I could find her. I wish with all my heart to find her. Apps haven't been helping. Being inside all the time hasn't been helping. There was a cute girl at the ride that seemed to be there alone but.. that doesn't mean she's single and also she's way too cute for me. Also she jokingly commented about people falling and then realized after that I fell when I talked to her for a sec when that guy crashed at the end of the night. She asked how it was but didn't really look at me as I was answering so I think she had an aversion to me which is understandable but. anyway i think i'm going to bed now. friday night can't do anything. ribs are broken. arm feels like it's broken too. neck is stiff. back hurts. could use a massage. too bad. 

along came a spider

that sat down bee cider.

I think it's important to document when things are.. ok.. I say that tentatively. 

Things have been decidedly ok lately. I feel less like I am struggling less and things are getting easier for me to do. Is this another hump in the cycle? Probably. But for now, I am enjoying it. 

I'm not going to list my accomplishments on this one. I think always trying to document positive changes in my life is .. bad for me. I should stop thinking about it as a change as start thinking of it as how it is now you know? I always say stuff like "I am working out! I am taking my vitamins!" as if it's some sort of accomplishment. It kind of is but.. is that all ya got? Idk. I should practice trumpet more.  I've neglected it for about a week. It's tough to get an embouchure .. did I spell that right on the first try? I did. Nice. 

Work work work. Work work work. Work work work. Go out side for a bit.

 

online dating

 it's like dating.. but online. 

Pretty amazing stuff. Takes a classic human thing (romance) and just makes it really convenient and accessible! not like before!!

romance and fulfillment now on your rectangle! 

It's the best thing since pulling over for a stranded lady with a dead battery and helping her out and talking about places you've traveled and things you've done and getting to know each other and she lives right around the corner somewhere.. I wonder if we'll ever meet again. I always look for her mini but I never see it. It's ok though I'll forget about her someday. I've probably fallen in love like that a hundred times.

I've been on it for a bit now. Online dating. I've still never met anybody worth a fuck on it but eh I haven't met up with that many people either. Tinder, bumble, tried hinge and okcupid. I've been on all of them lol. Kind of sad. I feel like they used to be a little more fun? Now they're just all the same. Swipe, swipe, swipe, write a little bullshit thing about yourself unless you're hot and then you can just post your ig handle. Post a couple of pictures and they'd better be fucking GOOD. Or else you might as well not even be on the app.

Oh, do you enjoy traveling? Wow that's crazy me too what a coincidence. Oh you *cracking up* you'd rather hang out with my dog than me??? OMG that's hilarious. You're so funny. HAHAH. OMG GREAT GIF QUEEN LMAO. THE OFFICE GO OFF SKSKSK. I have been thinking that for so LONG omg "I just have been looking for the Pam to MY Jim"!! If I had a camera on me I'd ALWAYS be sarcastically looking into like *mimic Jim from The Office* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

and it's the worst when you actually start messaging someone and they just answer your questions and offer nothing else up for the conversation. 

Me: Oh wow haha I actually love the Barenaked Ladies that's hilarious I haven't thought about them in so long when did you see them?

Them: October 1st.

Me: ................................................................................................and? ..........how was it? I mean.. say something. YOu literally just RESPONDED TO THE INQUIRY and then dipped. Like throw me a fucking bone here dude.  

IT'S HARD TO MEET SOMEBODY IN REAL LIFE WHEN YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME INSIDE ON YOUR COMPUTER TYPING AND ON YOUR PHONE SWIPING AND ON YOUR COMPUTER GRIPING YOUTUBE SMOKING WEED TO NUMB YOURSELF AND MAKE YOURSELF FORGET HOW THINGS YOUSED TO BE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND WHO YOU ARE. YOU'LL JUST CONTINUE SITTING HERE IN SILENCE.  NOT TALKING TO ANYONE NOT LOVING ANYONE. SITTING HERE MAKING YOUR LITTLE YOUTUBE VIDEOS. DO YOU THINK IT'S ANY BETTER NOW THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT? 

from me to you honestly fuck you, me.

I sounded so hopeful

Where are you going? Where are you going? You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. I had hope then. When I wrote that. Just down there! I had hope! I was on a good path. I was doing stuff right. What you're doing now is NOT the right path and I need you to know that I know you know that. And by I I mean you dude(lol sure). You're making terrible choices. The only good choice you've made recently is this keyboard. It's absolutely phenomenal. I can't stop typing on it. I really would like to do a little bit of a lube on it tho.  I think you can do it with spray lube.  I could also desolder and resolder all the little keys on.  Might be kind of an interesting project. And it'll result in a very smooth and comfortable typing experience. FFFUCK. I wish I didn't suck so much at Halo at least. The worst part of this living  like a piece of shit thing is that I'm not even that good at the stuff I waste the most time on lol. Honestly? You sounded like way less of a bummer back then. During that last post. What have you done lately? You tried some videos but didn't even upload 3 videos in a series. If anyone were to ever want to watch them they'd only get what two introductory videos to series? That have.. no continuation? MAN you suck. You're SO LAZY. STOP SMOKING SO MUCH FUCKING WEED DUDE. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE DOING DAB AFTER DAB EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU'RE DOING THEM AND I KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE. I GET ENJOYING THAT STUPID LITTLE PYRAMID THING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE BUT YOU WENT THROUGH 2 GRAMS IN LIKE A WEEK DUDE. CRINGE. YOU ONLY SHARED A LITTLE OF IT LAST FRIDAY. LAST FRIDAY WHEN YOUR ROUTINE MANDATED YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. WHY ARE THESE THINGS SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE. AM I NOT A MAN? AM I NOT ABLE, AND NOT ONLY THAT, WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO BETTER MYSELF AND GIVE MYSELF THE LIFE I GOD DAMNED WELL KNOW I DESERVE?

nice capslock speech little man.               You're stuck.                                  

                    you think that'll stop me?                                        dude get some snax

                                                                               xD                                    i fucken love weed lol

          bruh....................lol........

imagine          caring          about             anything

Week 1 of No Fun November

 I decided to quit drinking, smoking, caffeine, mushrooms AND jerkin off for a month. So far.. it's been.. kinda nice lol. The week before November was filled with debauchery. I smoked joint after joint and drank til I passed out multiple nights. On halloween I went to a big costume party and met a bunch of new people and..... got so high I couldn't really talk to anyone confidently. There were several single women there who I could've talked to but I didn't. POLE DANCERS no less. I just smoked weed and then rekindled my nicotine addiction. It was.. not great. It was fun! Don't get me wrong. I love getting fucked up and passing out kinda sometimes. Was it fun? It was.. somewhat fun. I enjoy spending time with my friends. That's always fun. Idk. I just feel like I'm kind of the worst version of myself when I'm all fucked up. When I'm sober, I'm funnier, more confident, more social, more caring about my friends.. it's kind of weird. But I also really like weed. I like getting high, it's fun. I feel like playing piano is more fun when I'm high. And video games are way more fun when smoking.. but I mean.. are those the things I should really be doing all the time? 

This past week I've run 12 miles, started lifting weights again, cleaned my entire apartment and gotten my laundry done when it should be (including bedding). I've eaten out WAY less and cooked WAY more making sure to have clean dishes when I'm done (most of the time) and saved a bunch of money I would've wasted. I've not played a single hour of Minecraft, which is pretty unusual for me. I've also stopped simping for a girl I wanted to date and started simping for a girl I really really want to date. I feel like I have more self respect. Idk. Not jerking off and not doing any kind of drugs has been just great.. although everybody looks at me like I'm a maniac lol. I've heard a lot of "can't be me"s which.. honestly?.. just makes me feel even more confident in the decision to do this lol. I have been flirting with Michelle a lot but unfortunately she still lives across the country and I still have no way of ever really dating her. She's so god damned beautiful. Ugh. NNN is making me simp for girls way more. I think I'm going to continue not jerking it though. Even after November ends. I want the next time I ejac to be with a woman. I'm tired of fucking jerkin it. I def started kind of machine gun jack hammering my cock which is NOT good for the next time I'm actually with a woman so I think it was the right decision and I think the decision to continue not jerkin it is the right one. Idk. Stream of consciousness kind of. I feel way better. Not sad even a little. I just really need to keep working out, smoke and drink less, quit fucking jerking off so much and I'm golden. I still feel sad sometimes but it's way less intense. Huh. Is this what's been wrong this whole time? Fuck..

bonkers

A lot of these posts I just kind of stream of consciousness write and post without a second thought. I've gone through and read them a few times, but most of the time I just dump words onto the page with tears in my eyes and a grimace on my stupid face. Sometimes I'll write them while I'm working. Straight faced and trying to not let anyone know I'm hemorrhaging emotions onto a page I know (at least I hope) no one will ever read. When I die should I let people know about this? Should I just leak it? Would anyone even want to read it? The inane ramblings of a depressed loser who hates everything about himself and the world around him? Who is unwilling to go, even a single time, to a doctor who may be able to help with that kind of thing? I doubt it. I'm sure some people would say they'd want to read it but.. I doubt they'd read much. They'd see it's just a guy moping and whining and complaining and threatening suicide to an endless void, roll their eyes and maybe mention to others who knew me about how "you could tell he was really struggling". Then in a year I'd be forgotten forever. Peo

ple would go about their days completely normally and.. like.. that's a good thing. It feels peaceful. I kind of want to fade into the background. I guess that's why I'm such a recluse. I want to fade out and be forgotten. I want to fall into the ranks of the forgotten billions of people who have died before me.

everything old is new again

the tides ebb and flow endlessly 

as time trudges on the beaches erode and the sea consumes the land 

stagnation is truly impossible in this life. 

the sea truly is the cruelest mistress. 

wow hey gang here I am again back at it again with the white vans. I am in Illinois for work once more. Do I miss it? No absolutely not. Absolutely not at all. At least I'm getting paid more. I'm with several coworkers. They do not believe one should live extravagantly on the company dime. 

They do not believe in the one possible act of rebellion with respect to being employed at a multi million dollar company. I suppose they're right in a way. One probably shouldn't drink and eat well in excess on company money, but man oh man do I want to. It's not all bad. We went to an irish pub and it happened to be half st paddy's day which was fun. We got free drinks and some green beads. 

Didn't even have to expose our breasts. 

I do not miss living this life. 

I do not miss being in hotels. 

I do not miss driving hours upon end in foreign cars (not the cool kind just the normal kind). 

I do not miss missing my friends. 

I do not miss being alone. 

I do not miss any of this. 

But this is.. my life again. 

I guess it is inevitable. I guess I'll start bringing my guitar again so I can have something to do. 

Maybe I'll meet another girl in a foreign country. 

Maybe I can be happy again. 

Probably not though. 

Man..

Back at it again with the crippling depression

wow. I'm finally employed again. crazy. can you believe it? me of all people. employed by other people. And I'm working! Which is great. I love my life. : ) Everything is so great. That girl I mentioned before? Haven't talked to her in weeks lmao. She lives on the other side of the country. But that's probably for the best. My dog died. I'm gonna miss him a lot. I've been crying constantly. It's friday. Anyway. I'm gonna go eat a donut.