happiness

    I feel like things have finally been going well.  These days I don't feel as lost as I used to. I wake up each day and I look at my man and I give him a big hug. I smile and sip some coffee, black, just like always. 

    I do my work and I do it fairly well. I've been getting into leather working.  I made him a journal cover that he carries around with him everywhere now.  I made him a wallet and a bracelet too. I've been trying to keep myself fit and active in the gym but I only did cardio twice last week. Still, it's better than nothing. 

    I've all but stopped drinking. I only drink maybe once per month. I smoke weed occasionally but I rarely find myself fried. And whenever I do, I find it to be unfun. Being more clear headed feels nice. I feel like I have settled into a life I am finally content with. I no longer really do music with people but sometimes I feel like the music was just an excuse to get together and drink too much and smoke too much and feel faded. I still play piano sometimes.  I never did learn that Chopin Etude.. I feel like I should finish that someday.  Maybe someday I suppose.. but I don't really think I'm getting that much better.  

    

    My leatherwork is improving though and I feel like I'm really beginning to enjoy that type of work. Do I want to do it for a living someday selling leather goods to people? Maybe. It'd be cool to get to a point where I can make really high quality leather goods and maybe work on commission .. but I think I have a long, long way to go if I want to rock and roll (in that respect). Maybe someday.  I feel like I finally have dreams for the future again.  I have fallen out of the endless cycle of being depressed and abusing substances to feel fine and then temporarily distracting myself from that sadness until I can ignore it again. That was not a fun way to live and I am happy to be out of that.  

    I feel a bit sad for my friends and former bandmates though.  I feel as though they are still stuck in the cycle of substance abuse and suffering.  They're both in really strange relationship situations and I think they both need to take some time off from alcohol and weed and just breathe in the air and live life.  They need to go on a big hike and give up something they rely on.  My man told one of them the other day that he doesn't understand why he stays in the relationship with the person he's with.  I'm so proud of him for saying what he thinks. He's so strong and I feel like he just never had the confidence to really express it. They're both seemingly miserable and I think they both could use a fresh start with some new people.  Or just alone.  I know one of them can't do ANYTHING alone and they really need to be pushed out of their comfort zone a bit.  And the bandmate really should just spend some time alone.  His last love cheated on him and married/became pregnant by the guy she cheated with.. and I think he got into this relationship directly afterward to help himself feel less empty and alone.  

    Both bandmates try to solve their problems with chemicals and it doesn't always work.  Idk. Who am I to judge. 

     I will stay in my lane with my man and we will build a life together.  I never want to let him go and I want everything I do to be for him to be happier and live the best life he possibly can.  I have never been more in love in my life and I doubt I ever will be again.  

I'm finally happy.

1/23/23

 It's certainly another day. I am sitting here once again at my desk staring at my monitor trying to bring myself to get some work done.  But I am feeling too much or maybe too little. I wish I could stop myself from feeling like this. So lost and purposeless. I thought working out would help it. I thought being strong would help it. I thought taking my vitamins every day would help it. I thought being in a loving, caring relationship would help it. I feel so strongly for him and still I feel as though I am completely alone in the universe. I wake up and I eat, I try to figure out music, I try to make things from leather. Still, I feel so empty. I'm not sure what to do anymore about it.  I still refuse to take medication. I'm not sure why. I think I just want less things tethering me to others. I want less things that force me to rely on others. It's sad. Why am I like this? I just want to exist. I've been trying to stay in shape. I've been eating better. I haven't gone to restaurants consistently in months. I have been eating better ingredients (better pizziola, poppa janos). I am happy though in many ways. Idk. I think it's time for me to move on from this place where I live. They are going to raise my rent by nearly 50% if I stay month to month and I don't know if I want to stay here for yet another year.  I have grown too accustomed to this place. I am losing my memories because I don't have defined periods of time based on living situation in my mind (I believe this to be the case). Or maybe I am just too fried. 

Music has ceased in my life.  The band I've been playing with has all but broken up. We haven't practiced in weeks and one of the members had covid and simply cannot fathom having to inspire us anymore. Makes me feel sad.  We're still friends but he hates his life and is too miserable to do anything but play video games and smoke weed. Understandable I suppose.  Maybe it's time to give up on my dream of making music. Maybe I'll just resign myself to making shitty leather goods for myself and my friends and live out the remainder of my days with my mind shut off.

Dreams are stupid anyway. They're just dreams.

hey

 I'm dating. He's hot. I'm gay now? I'm pansexual now. Feels weird I guess. Don't feel like I belong in the "gay community". Whatever. Feeling really happy. Feeling a little sad bc I'm gaining weight (it is Christmas). Who cares. Not him. He doesn't seem to care. We move together. Feeling ok. He is going to break my heart someday.

november again

 Here we are again. Day one of monk mode november. As you can see I have decided to rebrand it from No Fun November because that makes it sound too much like I am punishing myself for some reason when in all reality, that is not the case.  It is not a punishment.  It is a celebration of my humanity.  It is a testament to the power of my will and my ability to not succumb to my base desires.  It is me saying I am a MAN.  I am not a BEAST.  I am not a slave to my whims, nor to anyone else.  I am my own man and I will do what I will.  It feels good.  It's one of those things sort of like psychedelics that I think everyone should do.  It is good to go for an extended period of time without any sort of altering of your mind.  To keep yourself grounded in reality.  Also! It brings to light a lot of the nasty habits one may have if they have a problem with consuming too much.  I have done this for a couple years now and I've enjoyed it both times (though towards the end I started getting a little antsy to jack it lol). I think last year I said some grandiose thing like "Ah fuck it dude, I'm not gonna jerk off til I have sex again." This was NOT the case, so I really can't say that I have fully succeeded in my "I am my own man and I will do what I will" thing lol.  I jerked it Dec 1 so quick I couldn't believe it.  And it was awesome.  So, I think I'm just going to allow myself to go a little easier on myself.  I am still going to maintain all the usual rules though of course! No alcohol, no weed (obviously), no caffeine (!!), no jerkin' (I may allow myself an exception for if I get an opportunity to have sex tho lol), and I am also trying to reduce my screen time on my phone.  I think these things combined with consistent exercise and meditation will be extraordinarily good for my mental health.  

One thing I have to do though is to remember to not constantly be talking about how I do this every year.  It's a lot cooler if you just do it and someone finds OUT you do it. But also I'm not doing this to be cool so really I shouldn't tell anyone period. But eh, cat's out of the bag now.  Not much I can do now.. Well here we go.  3.75 hrs til I can drive home.  Tired of working here.  Already feeling the desire to hit my weed pen a few times before I drive but I will not do so.  I am strong.  I am a man.  Weakness has no place in me. 

lol you sound like a dweeb enjoy your no fun november

Also this job site I am on is causing an insane amount of stress. The sorter is not working as it should and is causing about a quarter of the boxes that are run through the system to mysteriously fail.  I am currently sitting at a plastic table in front of the sorter with headphones in because every time the sorter stops I can feel eyes on me.  And I get a wave of anxiety wash over me as the noise from the sorter subsides. And I mean, they look as if I am supposed to do something to make it work properly.  Which, if I were in their positions, I would as well.  It's annoying.  They have to do extra work because the sorter is not sorting! And I am the only person here that is a representative from my company.  The other mechanical/controls person that was here earlier left for the day a couple hrs ago and it's just been me here.  People usually don't talk to me because they know I am software but a lot of people don't know and come up to me expecting me to explain why things are going wrong but I cannot! And it makes me feel so stupid and hopeless! I want to help because we've sold them a machine that does NOT work like it should! And I am the only representative! They are MAD! And I am HERE! They are not YELLING at me but every time something goes wrong I know they're secretly calling me an asshole in my head.  I wish I could help but I am useless.  And I have to stay here for another 2 hrs........... ugh.  This is rough.  I want to go home and... sleep.  That's it.  Really would like to smoke some weed and sleep but I'll settle for the sleep.  I am a man.

grumpy

 It's 2:15 pm on Saturday 10/29/22. I'm feeling kinda grumpy. I am in Illinois again. Just.. chillin. Waiting to go back to my hotel.  Sitting on my computer trying to find some work to do but I don't really feel like doing it.  I am pretty much done with all the stuff I needed to do for this commissioning trip, but need to stick around for the next 4 days even though I was done with my work 3 days into this 10 day trip. It wouldn't be so bad if there were actually something to do in this town but ..There's really not too much here..  It's all just fast food and a couple grocery stores.  I've found one semi decent restaurant here and that's really been the only redeeming part of the trip so far.  Other than that, it's mostly just been extremely boring. Now it's the weekend and I'm stuck in this place until I can leave on Wednesday morning.  I think I should be able to work from my hotel moving forward though.  So that should be a little better.  At least I don't have to listen to forklifts beep beep beeping all day. Maybe I can go for a little run now that it's been a while since my last one. 

    I recently did a hard run and exacerbated a groin strain that has been building up over this summer. I have been getting ok at running but I tried to go way too hard too early and hurt myself yet again.  At this point I can do a 10k at a 9.5 min pace (maybe a little slower but hey), so that's kinda cool.  I'm much more physically fit than I was a year ago.  Or really than I have ever been (since I was a a youngin anyway). It's been nice being able to run far without feeling like dying and fit into my clothes better.  I feel more attractive and confident than I ever have but I am still.. kinda.. just alone. I have been talking to my friend R but.. I don't know. I don't know if I should date within my close friend group.  It seems like a recipe for disaster. I love R, I think he's really cool and sexy but.. I just can't. My other two friends K and M have just broken up and the shockwaves have been reverberating through the group. I foresee myself not being close with any of M's friends anymore and that makes me very sad. They don't need me and I am closer to K so they will avoid and forget about me. There's now a rift in the group and that's ..always how it goes.  K is extremely depressed and I can't even go and comfort him in this time of need because of this trip.  

    Breaking up fucking sucks.  But should I really not pursue someone I'm interested in solely because I'm afraid of what would happen were we to break up? My heart says "No! Pursue love! You deserve to love and feel loved!" but my brain can't stop thinking about the consequences of what would happen were we to fall out of love. 

Stupid stupid stupid. Want to go home and nap. Bleh

big walk, random thoughts

Big old walk coming up. Another 100 miler. Doing it over 8 or 9 days (depending on our weenie status). Really hoping it goes well. So far so good! I forgot to bring my tent and hiking poles so that's pretty cool and fun. My flights got all fudged up because one got cancelled and another that was way earlier in the day got pushed til after I landed. Sucks for them, rules for me. Ended up getting to Seattle around 1:30 and got picked up at like 3 because tj and k both fell asleep lol.  I understand it was very late. I really should've just gotten a normal flight.  The ones really late at night always end up messed up somehow.

I really can't explain now excited I am to get away from it all though.  To just grab my pack and my stove and food and just freakin WALK for a REALLY LONG TIME up and down trails and through the brush.  It's all I've been able to think about for a week. I really need a reprieve from work. Which is funny because I am one of the biggest slackers this side of the Mississippi. I barely do anything but man oh man that doesn't mean I don't need some time off from all the emails and stupid little teams conversations and meetings and dumb manager jokes. I think I'm starting to see eye to eye a little bit with the boomers that are suggesting people go back to he office though.  I really am getting lonely and I"ve noticed people (and this could be totally in my head) have been more socially inept lately.  Maybe it's just because I notice that stuff more now because I'm more conscious of it? Or perhaps this lockdown and the forced separation from one another have caused us to become more insular, solitary. We're more aggressive towards our fellow people and social media has also spurned this on.  I hate to sound like a typical "this next generation is fricked" boomer, but man oh man, this upcoming generation is the most phone addled, wannabe celebrity generation we've ever had.  

Ah fuck I'm sounding like an old man.  And also I'm getting sniffly because there's a cat here who LOVES me, which is great since I have a cat allergy.  Oh well. Life happens.  Looking forward to the trip!! Will be transferring over to paper space in just a couple short days..

I got back on Tinder. I'm just too lonely and I really don't know how to meet people in real life.  I've been doing social activities with people but I realized recently that all the social stuff I go to I just end up talking to a bunch of dudes (because single girls I don't think go to that kind of stuff because they know there will just be a bunch of thirsty dudes looking for a girlfriend lol..) so I need to figure out some other social stuff to be a part of where there may actually be women.  Anyway, I'm back on Tinder.  I got onto it and decided to pay for it this time.  I thought "surely, if I pay for this app and give them a little incentive they will perhaps boost me or maybe rank me up in the swipe order, but I think that is not the case! When you don't pay for the app, they have a reason to boost you a little more.  They have a reason to give you a little preferential treatment so you pay for the app. They're counting on people like me who are meh but have money.  I got way more matches on Tinder when I wasn't paying for it.  Like I remember the last time I made an account I immediately started getting a ton of likes and even got a few matches.  This time I paid for it off rip and received like 3 likes.. and that's it.  Nothing else. I haven't gotten a like in like 3 days!! So predatory! So I'm not paying for a second month. I guess I'll just deal with it. Maybe I'll remake my profile entirely from scratch and do a blind comparison haha.  Actually that's a good idea..

hurts

" owie owie fuckin zowie owie shit ouch OUWCH SHIT OWWWWWOWOWO"

- me the morning after riding a bike a fairly long distance after breaking my ribs

    Hey. I fell off my fucking bike. It's all I can think about right now. I have been riding a bike a lot lately. Trying to get like 15 miles per day or something. It was going well!! I had a 75 mile week followed by a 60 mile week!! I was killing it! 

    I go on these weekly rides. They're fun ! Pretty fun . They're.. a way to meet new people anyway.. I enjoy them enough. The only problem is I've fallen.. at every.. single.. group ride. I have fallen off my bicycle EVERY time (6 times so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I feel like such an ASSHOLE because people have to stop around me and stuff. I could be the cause of a big pileup or something because I'm just a stupid, inexperienced cyclist. 

    The first times were because of gravel or loose dirt. I ride a fixed gear bike (I know shut the fuck up leave me alone I have a brake on it just let me be) and it has road tires which are fairly awful for anything but pavement or smooth earth and on the group rides there's generally a bit of off road riding which is understandable but I don't know how to handle it that well yet! 

    This time was a bit different though. I was going across some railroad tracks that were like this on the road

............|    i    |<-- Road

 \  |    i    |

Tracks -->\  \|    i    |.........

  \ |\   i    |

    |\  \i    |

    |  \ i\   |

    |    \i \ |

    |    i \ |\

    That.. took me longer than I'd like to admit to finish. I guess I could have just said that the tracks run diagonal to the road. I should have steered my bike towards the tracks to cross them at a perpendicular angle but I didn't think of that until the last second and I rode straight over the tracks which caused my front wheel to turn and catch on the track, stopping my bike and sending me flying. I landed on my arm and got some pretty gnarly road rash on my hand and forearm but they just bled for a minute and seemed to be fine. Stingy but fine. I quickly jumped back onto my bike to not hinder progress and we took off northward. The night was pretty fine but towards the end my chest really started hurting and my body was really starting to ache. 

    It was like 22:30 and I needed to get home. Some guy ran headfirst into a damn median and he crashed really hard. He seemed fine but the group still had to stop because he had a flat and we don't leave people behind but..... I really needed to go. So I ended up sprinting all the way home passing everybody else that had left before me because I feel the need to feel powerful and strong. I got home, hobbled myself and my bike up the steps, cried a bit, took a horse ibuprofen and got in the shower. I was so sweaty and exhausted from everything that had happened. 

    That was when I started hurting a little differently.. Man.. falling off your bike that many times is really really embarrassing. I know I don't know any of these people. I don't care what they think of me really. Or rather, it wouldn't change anything in my life but.. God I just don't want to be known as the guy (on the fixie 🙄) who falls all the time. I thought of a nickname in the shower "tumblin toad" which made me laugh and then shed actual tears because I hope Amon never thinks of that.. which he's a funny guy.. he might. And it would be hilarious if he did but.. I'll never mention it. I just.. I want to be cool and interesting but it's hard. I'm really shy and whenever my other friends come on the ride they just want to get super high, which don't get me wrong, is quite fun, but I don't want to do that ALL the time you know? Plus other people bring tons of weed too and it gets a little tiresome constantly having a joint passed to you you know? I'm trying to be healthy riding a bike. I'll hit it a few times but I'm not trying to get stupid. Because when I smoke that much weed I just DONT talk to anyone because I'm too anxious!!

    Another thing that's been bothering me.. I am SO LONELY. Being hurt and not being able to move around without hurting is really annoying because I still have to piss and shit (REALLY HARD TO WIPE MY ASS RN) and cook and eat and work (I mean I have been kind of taking it easy on that these past few days at least) and stuff. I just wish I had someone to help me. Someone to maybe kiss my boo boos. Pat me on the head and bring me ice packs. I was laying in bed after my shower and I was worn out from the ride. I remembered there were pickles in the fridge (craving salt) and I would've given anything to have somebody there beside me to just get a pickle and put it on a paper towel for me so I can eat it. I've told a few people and they've said their "There, there hope ya get well soon champ!"s but.. it's not the same as having someone actually care about you. It's not the same as having a woman next to you. Someone to hold onto and .. just be with I guess.  I am also realizing that I should.. probably settle down at some point. I just.. wish .. I could find her. I wish with all my heart to find her. Apps haven't been helping. Being inside all the time hasn't been helping. There was a cute girl at the ride that seemed to be there alone but.. that doesn't mean she's single and also she's way too cute for me. Also she jokingly commented about people falling and then realized after that I fell when I talked to her for a sec when that guy crashed at the end of the night. She asked how it was but didn't really look at me as I was answering so I think she had an aversion to me which is understandable but. anyway i think i'm going to bed now. friday night can't do anything. ribs are broken. arm feels like it's broken too. neck is stiff. back hurts. could use a massage. too bad. 

along came a spider

that sat down bee cider.

I think it's important to document when things are.. ok.. I say that tentatively. 

Things have been decidedly ok lately. I feel less like I am struggling less and things are getting easier for me to do. Is this another hump in the cycle? Probably. But for now, I am enjoying it. 

I'm not going to list my accomplishments on this one. I think always trying to document positive changes in my life is .. bad for me. I should stop thinking about it as a change as start thinking of it as how it is now you know? I always say stuff like "I am working out! I am taking my vitamins!" as if it's some sort of accomplishment. It kind of is but.. is that all ya got? Idk. I should practice trumpet more.  I've neglected it for about a week. It's tough to get an embouchure .. did I spell that right on the first try? I did. Nice. 

Work work work. Work work work. Work work work. Go out side for a bit.

 

online dating

 it's like dating.. but online. 

Pretty amazing stuff. Takes a classic human thing (romance) and just makes it really convenient and accessible! not like before!!

romance and fulfillment now on your rectangle! 

It's the best thing since pulling over for a stranded lady with a dead battery and helping her out and talking about places you've traveled and things you've done and getting to know each other and she lives right around the corner somewhere.. I wonder if we'll ever meet again. I always look for her mini but I never see it. It's ok though I'll forget about her someday. I've probably fallen in love like that a hundred times.

I've been on it for a bit now. Online dating. I've still never met anybody worth a fuck on it but eh I haven't met up with that many people either. Tinder, bumble, tried hinge and okcupid. I've been on all of them lol. Kind of sad. I feel like they used to be a little more fun? Now they're just all the same. Swipe, swipe, swipe, write a little bullshit thing about yourself unless you're hot and then you can just post your ig handle. Post a couple of pictures and they'd better be fucking GOOD. Or else you might as well not even be on the app.

Oh, do you enjoy traveling? Wow that's crazy me too what a coincidence. Oh you *cracking up* you'd rather hang out with my dog than me??? OMG that's hilarious. You're so funny. HAHAH. OMG GREAT GIF QUEEN LMAO. THE OFFICE GO OFF SKSKSK. I have been thinking that for so LONG omg "I just have been looking for the Pam to MY Jim"!! If I had a camera on me I'd ALWAYS be sarcastically looking into like *mimic Jim from The Office* HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

and it's the worst when you actually start messaging someone and they just answer your questions and offer nothing else up for the conversation. 

Me: Oh wow haha I actually love the Barenaked Ladies that's hilarious I haven't thought about them in so long when did you see them?

Them: October 1st.

Me: ................................................................................................and? ..........how was it? I mean.. say something. YOu literally just RESPONDED TO THE INQUIRY and then dipped. Like throw me a fucking bone here dude.  

IT'S HARD TO MEET SOMEBODY IN REAL LIFE WHEN YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME INSIDE ON YOUR COMPUTER TYPING AND ON YOUR PHONE SWIPING AND ON YOUR COMPUTER GRIPING YOUTUBE SMOKING WEED TO NUMB YOURSELF AND MAKE YOURSELF FORGET HOW THINGS YOUSED TO BE AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE AND WHO YOU ARE. YOU'LL JUST CONTINUE SITTING HERE IN SILENCE.  NOT TALKING TO ANYONE NOT LOVING ANYONE. SITTING HERE MAKING YOUR LITTLE YOUTUBE VIDEOS. DO YOU THINK IT'S ANY BETTER NOW THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT? 

from me to you honestly fuck you, me.

I sounded so hopeful

Where are you going? Where are you going? You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. You're stuck. I had hope then. When I wrote that. Just down there! I had hope! I was on a good path. I was doing stuff right. What you're doing now is NOT the right path and I need you to know that I know you know that. And by I I mean you dude(lol sure). You're making terrible choices. The only good choice you've made recently is this keyboard. It's absolutely phenomenal. I can't stop typing on it. I really would like to do a little bit of a lube on it tho.  I think you can do it with spray lube.  I could also desolder and resolder all the little keys on.  Might be kind of an interesting project. And it'll result in a very smooth and comfortable typing experience. FFFUCK. I wish I didn't suck so much at Halo at least. The worst part of this living  like a piece of shit thing is that I'm not even that good at the stuff I waste the most time on lol. Honestly? You sounded like way less of a bummer back then. During that last post. What have you done lately? You tried some videos but didn't even upload 3 videos in a series. If anyone were to ever want to watch them they'd only get what two introductory videos to series? That have.. no continuation? MAN you suck. You're SO LAZY. STOP SMOKING SO MUCH FUCKING WEED DUDE. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU KNOW YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE DOING DAB AFTER DAB EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU'RE DOING THEM AND I KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE. I GET ENJOYING THAT STUPID LITTLE PYRAMID THING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE BUT YOU WENT THROUGH 2 GRAMS IN LIKE A WEEK DUDE. CRINGE. YOU ONLY SHARED A LITTLE OF IT LAST FRIDAY. LAST FRIDAY WHEN YOUR ROUTINE MANDATED YOU HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. WHY ARE THESE THINGS SO DIFFICULT TO CHANGE. AM I NOT A MAN? AM I NOT ABLE, AND NOT ONLY THAT, WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TO BETTER MYSELF AND GIVE MYSELF THE LIFE I GOD DAMNED WELL KNOW I DESERVE?

nice capslock speech little man.               You're stuck.                                  

                    you think that'll stop me?                                        dude get some snax

                                                                               xD                                    i fucken love weed lol

          bruh....................lol........

imagine          caring          about             anything